As a caregiver I rarely get to sit back, coast and watch someone care for their loved one. I am usually in the middle, getting meds, cooking, checking underwear for packages, listening for obstructed breathing, is that a cough/gasp/choke/gasp..... Always on alert. Always ready to spring into action. Sometimes I think all I missing is a red cape and a big C "Caregiver" on my chest.
I had the pleasure of working with a fabulous group of men and women this weekend. This group all went to our capitol to speak with our state legislature to request financial aid for in home supports. This is one of the most dynamic, fun-loving, compassionate, intelligent groups I have ever had the pleasure to work with. One of the attendees, a caregiver for her mom, brought her mother with her.
Watching the loving care this woman lavished on her mother was so moving. The gentleness, the humor, the compassion made my heart swell with pride to be a part of it. What I found most fascinating, was how humble the daughter was. She would express the self doubts, the frustrations we all feel as she lovingly zippered her mom's jacket. The unknowing care, caresses were so reassuring to everyone around us.
What I learned from this woman was the love that is there between a caregiver and their loved one. Oh, we all get frustrated, we all get tired of being together, but even at those moments, it is love that comes through. I only hope I can live up to the model that I witnessed first hand this weekend.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentines Day
To all the spouses that are celebrating Valentines with their loved one, Happy
Valentines. Even if your loved one is unclear on the day, confused your name with a relative, cherish the way they light up when you enter the room and know they love you.
Happy Valentines Day
Valentines. Even if your loved one is unclear on the day, confused your name with a relative, cherish the way they light up when you enter the room and know they love you.
Happy Valentines Day
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Pay it forward, backward, sideward,
Just do it. What mix of slogans, huh?
To be honest I hated the movie Pay it Forward, but loved the message. If you do what you can, when you can, you are in a sense building a karmic credit balance. Just imagine the power of everyone doing something for another person, without regard to who, what, where or when; just take the opportunity and do it! Sometimes we will be the recipient and some times we have the opportunity to give to others and possibly even folks we do not know.
What does this have to do with care giving? Everything and not in the way you think. It is not the act of care giving that is the gift, I am talking about care givers taking care of one another. Now hang on, and just read on.
I can give a simple example. I had my dog at the vet. My dog is not really a dog, but more like a money pit on four legs. While I was waiting for my bill to be totaled. I know there were accountants being called in for overtime, financial analysts were ticking away, logarithms were being plotted, but that is another story. Suffice it to say, I was waiting and waiting and waiting. Now be honest, when sitting in the waiting room we all hear each others stories and pretend we don't.
A woman rushes in to pick up her cat. She is obviously distraught and has explained 3 times that her Dad is in Intensive Care and may not wake up, she has to go on a business trip and needs someone to watch the cat she is picking up at the vet. Usually a tech at the Vet's office does the sitting and expressed concern that she may not be able to sit for the cat at such short notice. The woman is on the brink, this comes from one that is frequently on that brink and can recognize the symptoms. I walk over and explain that my daughter and I will watch her cat. At first she is (quite naturally) alarmed/confused and settles on desperate. I explain that I am a care giver, I know her stress, we have animals and we will do it for her. She has enough on her plate and does not need to worry about the pet. She cries.
I have been there twice. Once when my cat had first developed a terminal illness and my mom was in the hospital, grandma in the nursing home, Dad was with me and the vet suggested I come back at 3:00 to pick up the cat. I lost it. I mean L-O-S-T I-T. The poor vet's eyes became huge and she reached over, patted me on the shoulder and told me to pick up the cat the next morning there would be no charge to board him.
I guess what I am saying is, I have the lovely opportunity to pay back the vet's kindness, by watching a cat for a few days. And if the same situation were to occur again, I would volunteer again. I don't see that I "owe the universe a kindness" or something like that. I see that I have been given the wonderful opportunity to help another caregiver. We give so much of ourselves as caregivers and so often fail to care for ourselves. Just imagine if every caregiver out there, gave other caregivers a simple gift or gesture (like watching a cat eat) how our burdens as caregivers would be lifted.
How much simpler would your day be as a care giver if, a neighbor offered to carry in your groceries, a coworker brushed the snow off your car, you brought cookies to your care giver support group, you called a caregiver for their birthday/valentines day, sent a caregiver a valentine... These random acts of kindness are wonderful when given to the world at large, but I am suggesting that if we as care givers focused on providing that support to one another (care giver to care giver), our loads would be lessened and our ability to care that much richer.
To be honest I hated the movie Pay it Forward, but loved the message. If you do what you can, when you can, you are in a sense building a karmic credit balance. Just imagine the power of everyone doing something for another person, without regard to who, what, where or when; just take the opportunity and do it! Sometimes we will be the recipient and some times we have the opportunity to give to others and possibly even folks we do not know.
What does this have to do with care giving? Everything and not in the way you think. It is not the act of care giving that is the gift, I am talking about care givers taking care of one another. Now hang on, and just read on.
I can give a simple example. I had my dog at the vet. My dog is not really a dog, but more like a money pit on four legs. While I was waiting for my bill to be totaled. I know there were accountants being called in for overtime, financial analysts were ticking away, logarithms were being plotted, but that is another story. Suffice it to say, I was waiting and waiting and waiting. Now be honest, when sitting in the waiting room we all hear each others stories and pretend we don't.
A woman rushes in to pick up her cat. She is obviously distraught and has explained 3 times that her Dad is in Intensive Care and may not wake up, she has to go on a business trip and needs someone to watch the cat she is picking up at the vet. Usually a tech at the Vet's office does the sitting and expressed concern that she may not be able to sit for the cat at such short notice. The woman is on the brink, this comes from one that is frequently on that brink and can recognize the symptoms. I walk over and explain that my daughter and I will watch her cat. At first she is (quite naturally) alarmed/confused and settles on desperate. I explain that I am a care giver, I know her stress, we have animals and we will do it for her. She has enough on her plate and does not need to worry about the pet. She cries.
I have been there twice. Once when my cat had first developed a terminal illness and my mom was in the hospital, grandma in the nursing home, Dad was with me and the vet suggested I come back at 3:00 to pick up the cat. I lost it. I mean L-O-S-T I-T. The poor vet's eyes became huge and she reached over, patted me on the shoulder and told me to pick up the cat the next morning there would be no charge to board him.
I guess what I am saying is, I have the lovely opportunity to pay back the vet's kindness, by watching a cat for a few days. And if the same situation were to occur again, I would volunteer again. I don't see that I "owe the universe a kindness" or something like that. I see that I have been given the wonderful opportunity to help another caregiver. We give so much of ourselves as caregivers and so often fail to care for ourselves. Just imagine if every caregiver out there, gave other caregivers a simple gift or gesture (like watching a cat eat) how our burdens as caregivers would be lifted.
How much simpler would your day be as a care giver if, a neighbor offered to carry in your groceries, a coworker brushed the snow off your car, you brought cookies to your care giver support group, you called a caregiver for their birthday/valentines day, sent a caregiver a valentine... These random acts of kindness are wonderful when given to the world at large, but I am suggesting that if we as care givers focused on providing that support to one another (care giver to care giver), our loads would be lessened and our ability to care that much richer.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Academic Credit for Dementia
My 17 yr old son. Boy doesn't that make me sound OLD!!!!!!! Either way, he came home from school and my Dad met him at the door. My Dad wanted to know why he was coming here. My son explained he lived here. My Dad began responding in rapid fire:
Why do you live here?
Did you get thrown out?
How long ago did you get thrown out?
What did you do to get thrown out?
Oh so you aren't getting along at home"
So you live here? Why?
When did you get thrown out?
What did you do?
I finally went out to rescue Buster. I brought him into the kitchen and poor Buster had this shell shocked expression on his face. I told Buster next time tell his Grandpa he got a girl pregnant. Pretty soon Buster and I are giggling and each story is worse than the next one. Finally, we fall upon a way for him to get credit. His school has a creative writing requirement. I told Buster to write down some of his "cover stories" we give Dad and submit them for credit. What a hoot, who would have thought he might get high school credit for care giving!!!!
Why do you live here?
Did you get thrown out?
How long ago did you get thrown out?
What did you do to get thrown out?
Oh so you aren't getting along at home"
So you live here? Why?
When did you get thrown out?
What did you do?
I finally went out to rescue Buster. I brought him into the kitchen and poor Buster had this shell shocked expression on his face. I told Buster next time tell his Grandpa he got a girl pregnant. Pretty soon Buster and I are giggling and each story is worse than the next one. Finally, we fall upon a way for him to get credit. His school has a creative writing requirement. I told Buster to write down some of his "cover stories" we give Dad and submit them for credit. What a hoot, who would have thought he might get high school credit for care giving!!!!
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Superbowl Sunday
My dad does not like football. At all. Ever.
My mother loved football. With a passion. I don't know if it was she loved football players or the game, but she enjoyed both. Every year she would have her very own Superbowl Party. No one would be invited. She would go into her room, load her bed with chips, dip, soda, the remote and the phone. She would watch the game and indulge herself all day long. This was a ritual.
When I provided her with grandchildren, they would be invited to her party. They would spend the day with grandma and enjoy the goodies and the kinship. Once their tummies were full they would move on to grandpa for amusement.
This year, grandma is gone and grandpa doesn't understand the Superbowl. But for some reason I was compelled to have a Superbowl Party. I bought junk food, sodas, all of it. I laid out the spread, made sure Dad's pants were dry and had him watching TV with me. I told him we were going to watch the game and he actually seemed interested.
Twelve minutes before game time the neighbors came over and wanted to know if they could watch the game at our house as they don't have cable. So now, out of the blew, with 12 minutes notice, I am hosting the neighborhood super bowl.
You don't know this but we live in my parent's house. All the goodies I bought for our family of 6 will now feed 12 as game snacks and the sodas I had stockpiled will quench the throats of the partiers. And the house that has seen 12 solitary Super bowl parties, will be hosting a super bowl party for the neighborhood. Our world that seemed so small and sad and consumed with death, dying, grief and illness, has been replaced with a living room full of boys yelling at the TV and celebrating life and football. Life and football are truly gifts.
My mother loved football. With a passion. I don't know if it was she loved football players or the game, but she enjoyed both. Every year she would have her very own Superbowl Party. No one would be invited. She would go into her room, load her bed with chips, dip, soda, the remote and the phone. She would watch the game and indulge herself all day long. This was a ritual.
When I provided her with grandchildren, they would be invited to her party. They would spend the day with grandma and enjoy the goodies and the kinship. Once their tummies were full they would move on to grandpa for amusement.
This year, grandma is gone and grandpa doesn't understand the Superbowl. But for some reason I was compelled to have a Superbowl Party. I bought junk food, sodas, all of it. I laid out the spread, made sure Dad's pants were dry and had him watching TV with me. I told him we were going to watch the game and he actually seemed interested.
Twelve minutes before game time the neighbors came over and wanted to know if they could watch the game at our house as they don't have cable. So now, out of the blew, with 12 minutes notice, I am hosting the neighborhood super bowl.
You don't know this but we live in my parent's house. All the goodies I bought for our family of 6 will now feed 12 as game snacks and the sodas I had stockpiled will quench the throats of the partiers. And the house that has seen 12 solitary Super bowl parties, will be hosting a super bowl party for the neighborhood. Our world that seemed so small and sad and consumed with death, dying, grief and illness, has been replaced with a living room full of boys yelling at the TV and celebrating life and football. Life and football are truly gifts.
Friday, February 2, 2007
The Greater Good
Caregiving has created a new appreciation for spirituality for me. I have spent hours pondering some of the most difficult questions there are, the existence of a greater power, is there life after death, why does bad things happen to good people, why don't bad things happen to bad people, why does the nice grandma die first, does it really matter what church you attend, how can something as wonderful as chocolate do such bad things to my thighs, you know the burning questions of our times. And I have come to realize:
- There has to be more to life than this, there has to be a greater understanding of life and its mysteries, than I have.
- I hope there is some type of existence after death because I miss my mommy and I want to share everything she has missed.
- I think devoting time to a devotional life be it formally in a church or gazing in wonder at the perfection of a flower in a field is important, not the who, what, where, why and when.
- Bad things happen to good people, hence number 1.
- Nice grandma's dying first, see number 1.
- Chocolate teaches moderation.
By simplifying my life through coming to grips with a "greater good" or "higher power" or "divinity", giving control of my life to that being and accepting that it is not my place to judge others I have been able to make peace with myself and the twists and turns that life is taking.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
I got in trouble today
Dad had gone down for a nap. I hate to admit it, but a piece of me was kind of excited. I had got a latte on the way home, the kids were at school, hubby is at work and Dad was going to sleep. I drank my coffee, watched the birds through the kitchen window. Peace. Luxury. Quiet. Rest. Talk about recharging your batteries.
Before I was halfway done with the coffee, you knew something had to be coming, Dad comes down the hall.
"Hello. Who's home!"
"Just me Dad"
He comes around the corner and sits down next to me. I smile, looking forward to a wonderful father/daughter moment...........
And he says
"I really don't like it when someone craps in my toilet."
I just about spit out the coffee. My eyes are huge and I say "WHAT!"
He explains (with full self righteous indignation) that he does NOT appreciate someone using his bathroom and leaving it full of crap (his word here) and not flushing it. It is disrespectful, and on and on, and on. Knowing that he and I are the ONLY ones home (and frankly you could not pay the kids to step foot in his bathroom, ick factor and all that) I KNOW who did it, but cannot say.
"Ah, excuse me Dad, but the mannerless wonder, would be YOU."
So I apologized for my bad manners, my disrespect and my lack of breeding. I explained that obviously my parents did not raise me well and I would try harder in the future. He actually "harrumphed" me and stalked out muttering to himself.
Before I was halfway done with the coffee, you knew something had to be coming, Dad comes down the hall.
"Hello. Who's home!"
"Just me Dad"
He comes around the corner and sits down next to me. I smile, looking forward to a wonderful father/daughter moment...........
And he says
"I really don't like it when someone craps in my toilet."
I just about spit out the coffee. My eyes are huge and I say "WHAT!"
He explains (with full self righteous indignation) that he does NOT appreciate someone using his bathroom and leaving it full of crap (his word here) and not flushing it. It is disrespectful, and on and on, and on. Knowing that he and I are the ONLY ones home (and frankly you could not pay the kids to step foot in his bathroom, ick factor and all that) I KNOW who did it, but cannot say.
"Ah, excuse me Dad, but the mannerless wonder, would be YOU."
So I apologized for my bad manners, my disrespect and my lack of breeding. I explained that obviously my parents did not raise me well and I would try harder in the future. He actually "harrumphed" me and stalked out muttering to himself.
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