Mother's Day

With Mother's Day approaching I have naturally been thinking about my Mom and how the torch of caregiving was passed on to me. My Mother and I always put my Dad first, if a choice had to be made, Dad won. All my life. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just something I have come to see.

One of the most salient examples is caregiving itself. My Dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital and he was very ill. Unfortunately, at the same time I became ill and had to be hospitalized. My poor Mother didn't know where to go. She knew she was going to be at the hospital, but which room? Bet you are dying to know how it resolved itself..........

Okay. After a day or so I began to feel a little better and explained the situation to my nurses. I asked to have my IV removed or at least heplocked. (You know, when they disconnect you from fluids but the IV is still in place, just in case.) The nurse agreed and I moved in with my Dad! Yep, I went down to the unit where he was (it was an in between unit, not ICU but not regular) and took up residence in his chair. The resolution seemed so clear to me. Mom cannot be in 2 places at once and Dad could not move, so I did. I left the room number with the nurse and if the doc or the nurse needed me, they came to me in my Dad's room.

A week or two later my Dad was still very ill and I had to have an operation in a different state. It never occurred to me that my Mom would come with me. I made the flight arrangements, hotel for a day prior to the surgery and a few days after to recuperate before flying home. Little did I know my Mom was beating herself up for not being in 2 places at once. Silly caregiver.

Believe it or not, a couple of years later we were in the same place. Dad could not stay alone and Mom had to go to another state to investigate a liver transplant. I knew I couldn't leave my Dad alone, but my Mom was supposed to go to the appointments with her "support person". Now it was my turn to beat myself up for not being in 2 places at once. What was I going to do?

Well, people in your life amaze you. I may not have blood sisters but I do have heart sisters. One of these beautiful women stepped up and took my place with my Mom. Neither my Mom nor I could ever express our gratitude to Ca'Trena, but I believe she knows. I also believe she knows how important she has been in both of our lives. My Mom came back with funny stories of the hospital with Trena. There are times when only family are allowed, but no one has ever questioned that Trena is family. She may be a beautiful, tall, black woman and we may be small white women, but we were solidly family.

And yes, Trena, you did remind me that I have grossly under-represented your contributions, so Happy Birthday and I love you, unconditionally. You stepped up when I was lost. You supported me during the crazy times and helped me to get my act together to take care of my Dad.

But what I want to say, is caregivers are so good at punishing themselves with:

• If only I had......
• I should have........
• I wish I had........
• What if I had............
• I could have done _________ better.

Those thoughts can drive you nuts. Not only drive you nuts but eat at the strength you use to "get through the day". Not every moment of caregiving is glorious, sometimes it stinks, and if you punish yourself with those thoughts you are ultimately cheating your loved one. Forgive yourself, move on and remember none of us are alone.