Been too long

I have been away for so long. Not physically, just mentally and emotionally. Just seems that end of the summer took me away.

We have hit on a new complication to dementia. Relationships within the family. How do you keep them alive while dementia is ripping the fabric of your life. Sounds ominous....... But it is where my head has been.

Kids
My daughter has gone to college. I took time, flew across the country and helped get her established. Walking away that last day was one of the hardest things I will ever do. Cried all the way off campus. Faculty would nod and smile and whisper "There goes another freshman parent." I know I left her in a good place with great people......but my role as her caregiver/parent has just been greatly reduced. Now my role is ATM/cook/laundry goddess.

Dad
His dementia is increasing. But his health is strong and we can look forward to more years together. All that is good stuff. But he has started choking. Of all the gifts dementia has given me, choking is the one I appreciate the least. Choking leads to pneumonia which leads to hospital stays which leads to............ We just won't go there.

Spouse
I am just tired. Very tired. Which makes it hard to be a caregiver for my spouse. I see his list of wants/needs and find it hard not to shriek... How do I say do your own laundry for a change, can't you see I am ______________. But no, I do it and I smile and I add it to the list of grievances.

So, who has been there? Haven't we all felt that way one or more moments. Well, feel the pain, acknowledge it and move on. We cannot wish caregiving away. We have accepted this role. Remember we do it out of love and a sense of duty. But we CHOOSE to do it. This is where the buck stops.

So take your moment. Have your pity party (with icecream even) but move on. If you don't push through it, you will be stuck with it. And I choose to push through and get to the good stuff.