Memory is a tricky thing

Last night Dad remembered that he had been married and his wife died. Up to this point I eagerly looked for those lucid moments, those moments where he was there. Yesterday he came through for me, but with a sad memory.

I told him about my mother's death and how he came to say goodbye to her at the hospital. I explained how his dementia caused him to roll with one of life's biggest punches, the loss of your spouse. He asked me if he grieved. I was stumped. What I finally went with is, explaining that his dementia caused him to be very matter of fact. I explained that he went in and held her hand. He stroked her arm. Felt her hair. Then he looked at me and said "Hmph, she is already cold". I explained that his dementia allowed him to fast forward (so to speak) through the grief process.

Was I right? Has he really gone through the grieving process or is it just beginning? I don't know. What I do know, is he is lonely and in a way that I cannot fix. I cannot find someone to share his bed at night. I cannot recreate a partner and a relationship that spanned 40 years. So what do I do now? How do we move through this new road block?

Well, we are going to talk about it. I am going to keep explaining his dementia. I explained that I had newspaper articles about everything that has happened, and he told me not to show him the articles, it was too much. So I know tempering what I share is the right path, but how much is too much and how much is not enough?

There is no right answer and there is no quick fix. When my Mom died, Dad lost his partner in crime, his life partner, his business partner, his...........partner. The trick is going to be reconciling this loss with someone who has no short term memory left. He cannot turn events, thoughts and words into long term memories. Like all else this will run its course, I know that. But this is where the caregiving begins. This is the "Big One" or as presidents might say "The Mother of Caregiving Dilemmas". This is where I will earn my caregiving stripes. The question is am I up to it?